Chaos At The Mansion
by Seto4ever90
Summary: My first Fic. Anderson loses to a mystery vampire, Alucard saves him, he wakes up NAKED in Alucard's coffin. Choas ensues. I suck at summeries, please read anyways. Yea rated for language, the Scottish priest swears a lot.
1. Wake Up Call From Hell

Anderson woke up slowly, the first thing he realized was he was definitely not in the care of Iscariot. There was no way they would stick him in a coffin, no fucking way. He felt a mild tinge of claustrophobia along with the mild panic of exactly what must of happened. He heard a low chuckle and felt a cold hand run down his side.

"Good morning, did we sleep well?"

Anderson felt like screaming rape at the top of his lungs. WHAT THE FUCK WAS HE DOING IN ALUCARD'S COFFIN?!? He tried to move to do anything and realized that apart from breathing he couldn't move at all. Apparently Alucard had done something to him, either that or he was just to weak from the injuries that psychopath had given him.

"I believe it is the latter." Alucard's deep voice was right by Anderson's ear. Not. Pleasant.

Another dark chuckle and the vampire resumed the stroking. Anderson snarled, bad enough that he had to lose to some punk ass brat but he had to be rescued by a God damned vampire. Fuck. Alucard's hand slipped lower. Anderson stiffened.

"Get yer filthy undead hands off me demon." He snarled.

"Why, you enjoyed it last night." Alucard purred.

Oh dear fucking God. He didn't… He hadn't… He couldn't have… there was no way… oh Jesus Christ… Then it clicked the reason he could feel Alucard's hand at all… he wasn't wearing any clothing… fucking wonderful… just fucking wonderful… he was going to kill someone the moment he could move his arms again.

"GET YOUR FUCKING HANDS OFF ME DEMON!!!" Anderson thundered.

Alucard's feather light touches stopped immediately and there was a loud thump outside the coffin, followed by Alucard's laugh. Anderson growled and let out several more memorable curses he should have never even dreamt of using. He continued shouting even when he heard more people coming into whatever room the coffin was in.

"PALADIN! ANDERSON! ALEXANDER SHUT UP FOR A GOD DAMN MINUTE!"

Anderson fell silent. Integra was not exactly someone to mess with.

"Alucard get some clothes on." Integra added sounding slightly put off.

"Aye and while yer at it why don't ye give me mine back YE UNDEAD FILTH!!!" Anderson added feeling even more disgusted.

The moment he could move.

"An-Anderson? Did I hear that right?" Integra sounded severely shaken now.

"Ah don know lass what did ye hear?" Anderson snarled bitterly.

"Are you… naked?" Integra asked nervously.

"Ah have nay idea lass but ah'm beginning to get the feeling ah am." Anderson said sadly.

"He is. You are." Alucard added happily.

"AH'M GOING TO SEND YE STRAIGHT TO FUCKING GOD DAMN HELL!! DO YE HEAR ME ALUCARD?" Anderson thundered once more infuriated past the point of worrying about his soul.

Alucard laughed again and Integra ordered him to put some clothes on and apparently the draculina walked in before he could. The end result was an extremely pissed of irish priest swearing his head off inside a coffin, the leader of the Hellsing organization demanding her vampire put some clothes on, a powerful and ancient nosferatu laughing his ass off and a startled draculina screaming her eyes were burning.

"SILENCE!"

Silence fell immediately, for an old man Walter could really shout.

"Now Sir Integra, I believe that Maxwell is on the line in your office, Miss Victoria I believe Pip was looking for you and Alucard if you don't put some clothes on I believe you will be visit that lovely room Sir Integra found you in. And Father Anderson, please be patient I'm sure this matter will be resolved quickly." Walter said calmly.

"Blood sucker I may be but you," Alucard said, "are a fun sucker."

"Go an' burn in hell ye undead filth." Anderson snarled.

As everyone wandered off to do as they were told, Anderson found himself still inside the coffin. He sighed moodily, how the hell was he going to explain this to Maxwell? Still he'd have a small amount of time to come up with an excuse… hopefully he'd be able to come up with a good one.

* * *

Makes you wonder who beat Anderson up so baddly Alucard mannaged to strip him doesn't it... Anyways my first Fic so please don't kill me but constructive critism would be very much welcomed! Anyways I hope you enjoyed! Oh yes and review if you want me to update, cause if no one reads it then there's really no point in writing it!

Oh yes and of course I don't own Hellsing, if i did i would be rich and would be able to have lots of lovely Anderson Alucard bits put in!


	2. Don't Steal From The Vatican

"HE WAS WHERE!?!"

Integra winced as Maxwell's scream echoed through the ear piece of the phone she decided she could probably have heard him in Alucard's dungeon and that thing was freakin' nosferatu proof. You didn't get much better than that. Still for a man, an archbishop no less, Maxwell could scream louder than some teenagers Integra had had the misfortune to know.

"He was in Alucard's coffin." Integra said slowly.

Maxwell started screaming again. Integra was fairly sure he was quoting several bible passages but with the combination of his accent, the volume and the speed of his speech she really couldn't be sure. She sneered, she hadn't even dropped the bomb yet, she could not wait to hear what the Catholic was going to say when he found out Anderson had been naked in there.

_Alucard, where's the Paladin?_ Integra demanded silently.

_Oh, the Judas Priest is sitting on my bed demanding his clothes back and refusing the ones I've so generously offered._ Alucard's mildly amused voice replied.

Integra sighed, knowing Alucard he'd probably given the poor priest something your average stripper wouldn't touch. She shook her head and ordered him to get the priest some clothes he would wear, even if he had to go to the Vatican to steal them. On the phone Maxwell finally ran out of breath.

"Oh, yes and Maxwell?" She asked calmly leaning back in her chair and smiling demonically.

"What?" The archbishop demanded.

"Anderson was naked when we found him." She said calmly.

There was a brief silence. Integra snickered imagining the look of complete and utter shock and horror on the man's face. Oh that was priceless. Then he started screaming again, louder than ever. The whole Vatican could probably hear him, hell the whole Hellsing household could probably hear him too, oh well she'd check later.

The Archbishop's ranting were interspersed with several more clearly pronounced words such as whore, bitch, Babylon, demon, eternal damnation, God's wrath, hell spawn, bastards and slut. She didn't know how he got the last one in there but she was recording the whole conversation and she intended to send a copy of this last part to the Vatican. She smiled darkly, she couldn't wait.

"AH'LL SEND YE STRAIGHT TEH HELL YE MISERABLE GOD DAMNED SON OF A BITCH! DO YE HEAR MEH ALUCARD?!? IF I HAVE TO DRAG YE THERE MAHSELF AH WILL!! YE BASTARD!! AH'LL TEACH YE TEH STEAL FROM THE VATICAN!!"

Integra raised an eyebrow at the outburst, not even Alucard's mad laughter made it up to her office from the basement and it was rather loud especially when he used his magic to make it worse. So it was a rather stunning feat that Anderson was managing to shout that loudly.

On the phone Maxwell fell silent. Integra couldn't blame him, Anderson was a little more given to using actual swear words and not just biblical references, of course there were quite a few of those anyways. She hung up on him, she'd informed him of the location of his Paladin and dealt with his insults, that was all she'd been required to do.

A pair of crimson eyes appeared in front of her. Integra didn't flinch growing up with Alucard popping up at random moments almost everyday was something she'd become used to. Still there was something off. The eyes were lower and when the mouth appeared it wasn't smiling as widely as Alucard would have, besides he would be downstairs… with his Judas Priest… oh shit.

The vampire winked and vanished. Integra stared at the spot blankly for a moment and then;

"ALUCARD!!!!!"

* * *

Alrighty then, Maxwell has anger problems, Integra's evil, Alucard's a tormenter, Seras is missing and the unknown vampire is up to no good. Next chapter soon, hopefully you'll get to meet this mysterious vampire. I'll update as soon as i can. Reviews as always are welcomed.


	3. EMERGENCY NOTICE

**!!!EMERGENCY NOTICE!!!**

****

I am really sorry that I haven't updated in ages but I have several decent excuses.

1. My Dad's job got annulled (it no longer exists).

2. We're moving this week, so everything's getting packed.

3. We'll be moving again shortly after we've moved this time or shortly after we've gotten back from Canada.

4. We're going to Canada in like 2 weeks for 5 weeks.

5. I have to pack and I have work experience this week and a trip to Melbourne next week with my Yr 10 class.

6. Oh yeah and that second move could be to anywhere in Australia!!!

7. And most importantly, I've already packed most of my books and my brother being the idiot he is packed my black book up. My black book is the one I have all my stories in!!!

So please try to bear with me as we can't unpack three boxes just to find one book as much as I want too. I'll try and update all the stories after I get my book back and I'll put up other stories as soon as I can.

Once again I am extremely sorry for this but everything has been extremely hectic!

Sincerest apologies,

_Seto_


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